God's Gift of the Scale

I had just gotten to the gym locker room when I realized I hadn't weighed myself in a while. The last time I weighed myself, I was at 165, which is around the top end of how much I want to weigh. I had been tracking calories somewhat faithfully, though I knew I had thrown in a couple (ok... maybe more than a couple) of cheat days. But overall, I felt like I was eating at least somewhat healthy, I was exercising, and my fitbit kept telling me I was under my calorie goal nearly every day.

So, consider my shock when, only four weeks after weighing 165, I tipped the scales at 171. How in the world did I gain six pounds in only a month?

What came next was an uncovering of different fears and anxieties.

“What will people think of me if I keep gaining weight?”

“What if I end up back to when I weighed over 200 lbs?”

“Am I not changing at all in my struggle with gluttony? Is God even working in my heart? Am I even a Christian?”

“Am I going to have a heart attack and die?”

I wish I could say I was joking about these fears and anxieties. I wish I could say that I logically pulled out scripture and knocked each one of these down with the timeless truths of God's Word. But that's not true. Instead I went inward, and tip-toed the line of self-loathing and despair.

What was interesting, however, was when I shared this struggle with a few people, the response was corrective.

“Zack, you're not fat, you don't need to worry.”

I appreciate the sentiment. However, they missed the point of why I was struggling with my weight. They missed the fears and anxieties. I think, honestly, we miss the greater beauty of God's use of the scale, at least in my life.

The scale has served often like the dashboard lights of a car.  It tells you if something might be wrong. However, it doesn't tell you what is actually wrong.  A check engine light could mean a whole host of problems. But to determine the problem, you need to go to an actual mechanic.

The scale can indicate a number of things. But it can't tell you what's wrong, and in fact, it can't even tell you if something is right! But if you look deep enough, it helps you perform a heart diagnostic. And if you're like me, and your emotions come easy to the surface, the scale can help identify different fears and struggles that reside in the deep recesses of our hearts.

One weight measurement, and I can identify a few things as I thought through all of the emotions.

1. I have been running to food a bit more as I've been sad, and I need to continue to remember Christ in the midst of sadness.

2. I need to repent of my worry over my life, and trust that God, in His infinite wisdom, will do me good all the days of my life, and the lives of my wife and children.

3. It reminds me that my identity is not in the number on the scale, nor the image I see in the mirror. I am made in the image of God, and I was made a son of God through the blood of Jesus. Because of this, I am of infinite value to Christ, regardless of my weight and body image.

4. I can rejoice that God has made a tool that can help me manage my health, as well as one that helps expose my fears

5. There is grace for today, so today, I can examine how I can honor God with my body in how I eat and exercise.

Maybe you're like me, and you are easily consumed by a number. Maybe that number rattles in your head all the time, and you believe it defines you.

It doesn't. Especially, not if you were bought by the precious blood of Christ. So, instead of fearing the number on the scale, praise God for a tool that helps us manage our health, expose our fears and anxieties, and may we cling to Christ as we understand more about what we fear.

The Return of an Old Friend

Author's Note: I wrote this back at the end of August.  My hope is that, if anyone out there is wrestling with depression, PTSD, anxiety, or anything like that, that this would be an encouragement to your soul.  This is my fairly raw processing, so while I firmly believe that the Gospel is our greatest hope against depression, I am not endorsing that solely belief will make the feelings go away, only that they ground our hope in a firm foundation. 

There are so many lies I've believed in my lifetime.  You see all those shows where something catastrophic happens, they rebuild, transform whatever was wrong, and then they are all smiles at the end.  They ride off into the sunset, happily ever after.  That's what I thought would happen for us.  We moved back in nearly 2 weeks ago.  I felt I hand handled this whole thing rather well, the fire that is.  I was sad, sure, but I had faith in Christ.  I had hope.  I was secure.

Now?  I've never been more terrified in my life.

I have my office in my bedroom now.  As I work in it, the scene flashes before me frequently; running into the same room to grab what I could before the fire potentially claimed everything.  The same bedroom that now taunts me with the reminder that I was foolish with my life that day, and could have cost my wife her husband and my children their father.

When I turn on the panini maker, or the oven, or even the keurig for coffee, I wonder if it's going to be okay.  One sizzle, one crackle of oil, or the sound of burning liquid ignites my senses.  "Am I going to do it again?"

I thought campus would be an escape.  What a mistake.  Every person asks, "how was your summer?"  My answer?  About as good as it can be for a guy who lit their kitchen on fire.  No one really knows how to respond to that one.  I know they try.  I really want to be gracious.  Jesus has grace for me.

At the same time, I want to scream.  I want to cry.  I want to punch through a wall, anger running through my veins.  And then the apathy, lack of emotion paralyzing me to the point that every detail feels like a 100 lb weight that I've been asked to move from one end of town to the next.  This all seems new, yet vaguely familiar.

Oh... I remember you.  I remember you, Old Friend.

I remember the first time I met you.  I didn't want to believe you were there, but you were.  I was fundraising full-time, trying to finish so I could get on campus and provide for my soon-to-be wife.  For a season, it felt like I would never get there.  I turned to familiar vices, food being the predominant one, leading to weight gain that only left me with more apathy.  I thought I was just being sinful and foolish.  While both of those were true, I didn't realize you were there with me.

I met you again a couple years later.  I was a punk.  Young in ministry, seeking to prove to everyone I could hack it.  God was gracious to remind me that those efforts were fruitless.  Nothing I did worked.  I didn't want to do anything, didn't want to fail, didn't want anyone to think I was a nobody.  You walked alongside me, trying to scream out to me, to point me to my need.  As I reached out to Jesus, slowly but surely you let go, like a mother who was training her child to slowly gain independence.  I thought the pain you brought was far, far away.

But you came and went.  Moments in time that reminded me that I was in need of Christ.  It was as if you were dropping by for a short visit.  I wish your visit were brief now.

It's the busiest season of our ministry.  We have to get our home ready.  There are tons of decisions to make.  Conflicts to resolve.  And you came in unannounced, like you always do.

Sometimes, Depression, you feel like a horrible friend.  Why would you come now?  Why not in the middle of the summer, when I had time to feel like I can't move?  Why now, when I need to be at my best, when I need to be rested, not sitting in a hospital bed wondering if I'm having a heart attack?  Why now, when I'm supposed to be the example of holiness and Godliness to my students, my family, my church?  And how long will you stay?  I'm begging you to leave.

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?  Why have you allowed this awful friend to stay by my side?  Why won't you take this thorn in the flesh!  Why won't you stop my tears from flowing so freely!?  Please, Lord, I'm begging for relief!  Don't you realize that this friend is hurting me?!  Don't you realize what he's doing?

I can't feel safe in my own home, I can't feel safe in crowds, is there anywhere that I can feel safe!?

"My grace is sufficient for you, my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Corinthians 12:9)

"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.  Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling." (Psalm 46:1-3)

Maybe not.  But I can rest securely in the arms of Jesus, holding me as everything falls apart around me, and even within me.  If there's anything that I can know about this old friend, it's that he drives me to cling to the one who can carry me through the storm, as painful as it may be.

You drive me to my knees, and you force me to rely on Jesus better than any other.  You force me to keep moving even against my lack of will, and, even more so, you force me to lie down and rest, that I might reflect on the glorious truth that there is nothing about me that God would have chosen, yet did so anyway.  He loves me, and I know because He proved it with His dying breath on the cross.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior."  

-- Hillsong United "Oceans"

  

When Pain Screams

“When there's pain, it screams.” At best, it was a summary statement. Something to help make a point of a strategic discussion we were having about our ministry. Yet, I paused to ponder it. “When there's pain, it screams.” Now... to be honest, I probably didn't remember it correctly word for word. But it resonated deep within my soul.

In our culture it is easy to overlook deep pain. We see it clearly in the response to the protests. Rather than ask, “why are they so upset that they would devote time, energy, and emotion to this?” We say, "stop protesting" and "do it our way". When people are grieving, we can overlook their grief and give sharp rebuke for how they are missing things. We misdiagnose, misapply, and, I think if we are honest with ourselves, we are hasty to fix the “problems” so we don't have to deal with them anymore.

That's not to say that we should ignore sin or bad behaviors, but rather, recognize that when there is screaming, it's because there is often legitimate pain. And when there is legitimate pain, the initial need is not a correction in behavior. The need is to walk alongside, to empathize, and then fix our eyes on the God who is big enough to heal.

There are three things from the scriptures that have helped me as I think through dealing with pain:

1. It's ok to not have immediate “progress” → This is not to say that we shouldn't move through pain to deeper faith. Rather, it's ok if it's not on our timetable. Psalm 88 ends like this, “You have caused my beloved and my friend to shun me; my companions have become darkness.” Why would the psalmist end there? Why isn't there any resolution? It just ends hopelessly.

I think it's because the psalmist understands that it's ok to be in a season of struggle, doubt, and sadness. It's not an ending of faithlessness, rather one that says, “I know that the Lord is with me even when I feel like all hope is lost.” The fact that's a song meant for praise and worship in the temple says so, because it's a communion with the Lord.

2. Know that Jesus cares about our circumstances → In Luke 8, we see Jesus heal a woman who was bleeding for 12 years. The implications are overwhelming. She's an outcast, would be outside the temple, and would have numerous societal disadvantages. Jesus allows her to come up from behind, hidden, for her to have healing. While Jesus exposes her later (to restore her hope further, by having true faith in Christ, not just her healing), He knows that this woman had little to no contact for 12 years, and the way He heals her is to let her touch Him. He begins to restore her circumstances, healing her, letting her touch Him, and even concealing her until the time was right. He cared not just about her salvation, but also her deeply traumatic circumstances.

3. Know that contentment comes by coming to God and seeing His Glory → The story of Job is a case study in misunderstanding suffering. Job loses everything and his friends blame his sin for the calamity that has befallen him. When God shows up (in chapter 38!), He doesn't rebuke Job's friends (yet), nor does He apologize for what has happened to him. He reminds Job of who HE is.

Where were you when I lad the foundation of the earth? Tell me, if you have understanding. Who determined its measurements – surely you know! Or who stretched the line upon it? (Job 38:4-5)

Job's response to the Lord is shocking. While his pain hadn't subsided, he finds an odd contentment in 42:6, saying he repents in dust and ashes. The note about his repentance is that it could also mean he is comforted. What comfort? It's the comfort of knowing more of the fullness of God, that He is all-powerful, all-knowing, and all-good. And that even in the midst of the hardest storms, He is in control.

Pain is hard. Sometimes it feels uncontrollable. And that's ok. Be honest about your pain. And, if you're listening to someone in pain, don't judge. Ask. Understand. Care. Then look to Jesus, the one who went through the deepest pain. In Him, you will find the one who can perfectly understand, and in Him, you will find the God who will rock you to the core, leaving you comforted in the midst of any pain.

Three Resolutions for 2017

I have a long history of making New Year's resolutions.  And if you're anything like me, they often go strong for a couple weeks, maybe even a couple of months, and then are slowly forgotten.  However, it is good to set goals.  And I want to set goals again this year, but in a different way.  My hope is to target more root issues, and find good evidences to confirm that I have been addressing those root issues.  I hope that this is an encouragement to you all, and I will probably have more thoughts on each of these things throughout the year.

1.  Live a healthier lifestyle
This is a broad goal.  But I needed to make it such, because in years past, my goal was simply to lose weight.  Some years, this failed miserably, and others, I nailed it.  But as I'm getting older, I'm realizing that I not only want to lose a few pounds, but I want to change my eating habits so that I can have more energy throughout the day, and wisely plan to live a longer life (if the Lord allows).  This starts with what's on my plate, but also extends to exercising.  How will I do this?

- I will not give in to the fear of missing out of a food item when I go to a restaurant, and tell someone what I plan to order in advance
- I will seek to live within my calorie limits on my fitness app every day
- I will workout no more than 5 times a week, and no more than 60 minutes each time
- I will remind myself of the Gospel when I fail
- I will remember that God is the creator of every good and perfect gift, including all food and beverages.

There's a lot in here, some of which I am going to expound upon in future posts.  But the point is this:  I've often found that my whole day revolves around how many calories I can eat.  So I would have wild swings in how much I worked out, often trying to run enough so that I could eat a huge burger at Red Robin with countless refills of fries.  There's nothing wrong with running, and nothing wrong with Red Robin's huge burgers... except for the fact that too many of them will clog your arteries!  Instead, I want to remember that God gives limits and boundaries to actually give freedom, and be thankful for those boundaries.  I also want to remember that even grilled chicken and vegetables are blessings from God, and if I'm honest with myself, I really like them even though I often would rather pick the burger and fries.

There's also a fear of missing out, which I just don't need to give into.  More on that later.

2.  Spend More Time Thinking Strategically
If I'm not doing something, I can often wrestle with guilt.  But when I don't plan ahead and think about what I should do, I really wrestle with overworking, and then I end up not getting the most important things done, and I burnout.  Both of those are not honoring to Christ!

So, I want to spend more time each week thinking about my priorities as a Christian, husband, father, missionary, and member of my church.  Some of the things I hope to implement are:

- Spend at least a half hour planning out the week on Monday.  Once a month, take an hour to think through the month, evaluate priorities and goals, and help course correct
- Be involved in a small group and sunday school at my home church
- Do not miss date night.  Ever.  (unless somethin... NO, EVER)
- Take at least one day off each week, and do something to rest and re-energize my soul, this includes not answering my phone, not checking e-mail, and reading books that are non-ministry related.

One caveat: Obviously, if there is an emergency, I will miss date night.  But, how often do you and I feel like something is an emergency when it clearly is not? 

3.   Choose to pursue Jesus through prayer and His Word regularly and frequently, rather than other comforts
As I look around me, I find myself more desperate and dependent on the Lord than ever.  Yet I often don't come to Him until I feel deeply overwhelmed.  I frequently choose comforts, yet still end up overwhelmed.  I want to find rest for my soul, and so I want to remind myself that there is no greater rest that to rest in the person of Christ.

- Wake up each morning with Heather and spend time praying the Psalms together
- Listen to scripture during morning workouts
- Use car time and walking time to pray, rather than to listen to music
- Pray for people, situations, world events, and circumstances as they come to mind.

I'll elaborate more in future posts as to why these three things, but I am hopeful that this is an encouragement to you all.  It's good to desire good, Godly change in areas of our life.  And the New Year is a good opportunity to "reset."  However, my hope can not be in changing in these three areas.  In fact, my only hope to change at all rests in the power of the Spirit that dwells so richly in me.  And that only comes from believing the Gospel, that Jesus died so I could live, and walk in newness of life.  My prayer is that, even more this year, that I would walk more deeply with Him in grace and truth.   Would He empower you to do that as well.

Happy 2017!



 

A Broken System

“You can't legislate the human heart” – Matt Chandler

It was the moment all college football fans had been waiting for. Who would get to be in the third annual college football playoff? Who would obtain the right to play for a national championship? The debate had raged for weeks on end, and one thing was very clear: there were more deserving teams than there were spots.

How do we determine the spots? Conference Championship? Record against top 25 teams? Overall record? Strength of schedule? The irony of it all was that, depending on who you rooted for, you could make a stellar case for your team, while poking holes in every other team's argument...except Alabama. As everything unfolded, I found myself realizing one of the struggles of all the arguments: they were too simplistic. You couldn't just argue for conference champions, because the system was designed to all ready leave one of them out. You couldn't just argue for overall record, because not everyone had a great schedule. And yet, most arguments included only pieces of the whole picture, which presented a problem because it was trying to bring simple objectivity to a system, and sport, that has been relegated to subjectivism. It's the only sport in which wins and losses aren't necessarily counted as simply wins and losses.

In some ways, it's a helpful picture of the laws we employ to reign in the human heart. A system is put in place to help us know what is the right thing to do. “Put the best four teams in!” Or, in the case of our laws, “Do what is right and good! Let people live in freedom!” And yet, we find ourselves often scrambling. In the case of the college football playoff, three years in and we still haven't escaped controversy. In the case of our government, we find ourselves constantly at war with one another about how to perfect the system. Why?

It's because legislating the human heart, while essential in our current world, is an ineffective way of changing it. And according to Jesus, we all need change. In fact, in Jesus' view, we need a complete overhaul.

And he called the people to him again and said to them, “Hear me, all of you, and understand: There is nothing outside a person that by going into him can defile him, but the things that come out of a person are what defile him.” And when he had entered the house and left the people, his disciples asked him about the parable. And he said to them, “Then are you also without understanding? Do you not see that whatever goes into a person from outside cannot defile him, since it enters not his heart but his stomach, and is expelled?” (Thus he declared all foods clean.) And he said, “What comes out of a person is what defiles him. For from within, out of the heart of man, come evil thoughts, sexual immorality, theft, murder, adultery, coveting, wickedness, deceit, sensuality, envy, slander, pride, foolishness. All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person.” (Mark 7:14-23)

We often look to the law to see how not to be bad. And as we look at the world around us, it occurs to us that something isn't right. “People are breaking the rules! People are dying! People are hurting! Maybe we need new rules!” Jesus says, “Listen, the rules don't tell us what not to do, they expose that what's in us is an innate desire of what not to do!” In this passage, they are concerned about food making them unclean. But Jesus is saying, “Look, the problem is not what you put inside you, but what is all ready residing in you. When you look at the law and find that you are breaking it, it's not what you have done that shows your evil, the law is merely proving that we have been evil the whole time."

It's not to say that we should do away with the law, Jesus doesn't. Rather he helps us see why we need it. It shows us our need for a savior, not a need for a law to show how good we are. The law was never intended to be a proving ground, but a mirror. When we use it as such, we make the law into a broken system that it was never meant to be.

College football's playoff system may never be perfect. However, the human heart can be. But not by the law. The heart can be healed and transformed by the God who sent Himself to die for His people. May we not give into the broken system of a saving law, but rather give ourselves to the saving one, Jesus Christ.