“All authority on heaven and on earth has been given to me. Go therefore and make disciples of all nations...” – Jesus (Matthew 28:18a)
The above quote is the verse that our ministry's name comes from. We are DiscipleMakers because Jesus commanded us to make disciples. I'm passionate to see young men and women give up everything to follow Jesus, because that's what he calls every Christian to do. But what happens when you give that call, but distractions get in the way? Or a certain lesson isn't sinking in? Or someone really struggles with a particular passage of scripture?
For me, the answer was simple: “Work harder.”
I went to campus more, spent more time thinking about ways to help students grow, considered all sorts of different strategies. Even when I was spending time with family, I was checking my phone, thinking about how I could reach students differently. I would watch movies feeling guilty, thinking 'maybe I should be on campus right now.'
For the record, the guilt was produced on my own. It's easy in this day and age to blame others for how people make us feel. It's the cultural norm. But no one in DiscipleMakers told me to think and act this way. No one expected me to work 24/7 on campus. No one expected me to eat, breathe, and sleep campus ministry to the detriment of myself and my family. The problem was far more internal. I wanted people to think I was good at my 'job.' I wanted to be recognized as a good campus minister to my students, to my teammates, to my supporters.
God was gracious to me to give me a wake up call.
After we moved back into our home, I found myself unable to sleep. Part of it was I kept imagining the fire. But there was something else keeping me awake at night. It was the dread of a new semester coming. Dread, not of the students, or the preaching and teaching of the Word, but of failure.
“What if it all falls apart?” I thought. “What if all I am is just some fraud, who was never really cut out for ministry? What if I'm just the black sheep who will always be a failure?'
It was that thinking that led me all the way to a panic attack the first day of classes. I was so underprepared for the beginning of the semester, that the normal fears and anxieties were amplified to the point where I couldn't push them to the side any longer. And I landed in the hospital.
I wondered for a while what had happened. How could I have let this happen?
For one, I failed to realize the first part of Jesus' call to make disciples. “All authority has been given to me...” Who has authority? Jesus. Who's mission is this? Jesus. Who calls me to this mission? Jesus. Exactly when did the mission become all about my personal success and failure? And when was my personal success defined by results? When was ministry defined by what I produced?
It's through this whole thing that I re-learned an important lesson. Ministry is an outflow of the one who has all authority. The more I am in awe and wonder of Christ, the more I'm compelled to do ministry. The more I love God, the more joy I have regardless of the state of our ministry. And the more I love God, the more I want to see Him move in the lives of others, and the more I trust Him to move in the lives of others.
This past Fall was a great example. I was more limited than I had ever been. I was on campus less, recovering more, and wondering, “what is going to happen?” What happened was student leaders had more ownership, more young students were excited, and disciples were made. We had our largest first-year class ever, more investment in the bible, and more and more people clamoring for discipleship.
And as I got back on my feet, I realized how much I wanted these people to find joy in God. Not in their progress. Not in their discipling. Not in their bible study skills. In God. His character. His majesty. His holiness. His power. His mercy and grace.
If God is our joy, the pressure of results seems to fade away. We trust God when He says to take sabbath rest. We trust Him in our rest, knowing that He is working in our waiting. And when it's time to work, we work by faith, believing that He is Lord of the Harvest.
Have you believed Jesus' words, “It is finished?” (John 19:30). Have you believed that Jesus' “yoke is easy, and his burden is light?” (Matthew 11:30) Have you believed when God says, “I am the Lord. I have spoken, and I will do it.” (Ezekiel 37:14). Have you believed “The Lord is my rock and my fortress and my deliverer, my God, my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield, and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold?” (Psalm 18:2) Have you believed that He, “has put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound?” (Psalm 4:7)
We can rejoice when we have positive results. But it is greater still to find joy in our great God, who can be our joy even when our results are lackluster. He will always allow us to find joy in Him, if we seek it. Despite our circumstances, our results, and our condition.